This was written by Sophie, one of our summer interns. The opinions expressed herein do not reflect those of Civitas other than respect for the value of open dialogue.
And El Paso is different because El Paso is different because El Paso has to be different because something has to change because this killing cannot continue because we are turning into the killing fields because because because…?
What answer can someone give, how can someone explain an entire country’s trauma, the fear and numbness and fury that builds with each mass shooting with each child sized coffin with each life lost to guns.
And El Paso is different for me because finally finally finally I understand my parents’ fears every time there’s a shooting and that hug my mom gave me on the bench the afternoon of Sandy Hook makes sense because we could have been there, we might have been there, we were there.
Because Monday evening two days after El Paso I was walking into that responsibility and I held peoples’ lives in my hands and I felt their weight and I saw their potential their expectations their hopes and dreams and joy. And on Tuesday I confirmed that if something had happened there was nothing I could have done to save them.
And nothing happened thank God but I have plans and measurements and I lock my car now and survey the neighborhood and when I teach I look out the window and hope I don’t see anyone. And the day I taught class there were sirens and I lost my train of thought and almost sobbed in front of students because it all came rushing back
But how could it come back when I didn’t know anyone in El Paso I wasn’t in El Paso I wasn’t there. But any one of those 22 people could have been my students could have been my friends could have been me. And who knows tomorrow they might be.
And I think my teacher said it best moments after my voice cracked and I almost burst into tears in front of him, because he asked me why this was different why El Paso why this shooting why not the 249 others? But he said “Sophie it’s a system. Everybody wakes up to the sunrise but not everyone gets to see it set. And I am afraid every day I come to work that I won’t come home.”
And to quote Beto O’Rourke “What the f***” because what kind of nation is this where people go out every morning and only some come back and we don’t prevent violence because of money and lives have a price tag and 40,000 people paid it last year but we STILL let the NRA lobby.
And why aren’t we angry why aren’t we furious frothing at the bit raging against the machine? Because I know we are all thinking what if what if what if but we’ve had 249 what if’s this year and nothing has changed and people are numb but I don’t understand that because I am righteously furious enough to bang my head against the wall every day until the wall gives way and we have gun control.
And what kind of world is it that I get into a car with my best friend and we tell each other the escape plans we made when we both look at each other during a silent moment tense because if someone was going to shoot it would be now. And how is that normal? How is that safe?
And when we talk about a mental health crisis maybe we should be talking about how we are creating one because I am traumatized and my friends are traumatized and the nation is traumatized and I cannot speak rationally about this because I get three sentences in and I think about what would have happened if there had been a shooter on Monday and I think about my teacher saying we would be dead and I start to shake and the tears build.
The El Paso shooting is racism the El Paso shooting is the president the El Paso shooting is a manifesto that rages at the very people I serve and suddenly nowhere is safe and I’m 19 years old and there are lives in my hands and I can feel them with every breath I take. And these people are good and work hard and make lives brighter and better and bolder and they bring so much to the table but I know and they know that people hate them because they weren’t born here and I don’t even swear but “what the f***”
And this time this one this shooting it has to be something new and different and something has to change and I hope it does but my teacher said it won’t and he knows it better than me and he’s only been here three years.
And is there recovery I don’t know and is there hope I don’t know and I dream of El Paso and I dream of the day when I too will become another statistic and I have a voice recording on my phone telling my parents I love them that I want gun control if I die and I’m 19 years old and have funeral plans because I might be shot and killed at any given moment.
And El Paso is different because El Paso is different because El Paso has to be different because something has to change because this killing cannot continue because we are turning into the killing fields because because because…?
Because I’m going to make it different. Because I will call my senators until they pass gun control. Because I will force others to do the same. Because my students deserve better. Because I deserve better. Because America deserves better. Because I refuse to live with blood on my hands.
Josh Hawley: 202-224-6154
Roy Blunt: 202-224-5721
White House Comments: 202-456-1111
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